Back In The Shallow End

Somehow, I have spent a year on the mailing list of something called net-a-porter, a site that sells couture clothing and which I will quite literally never use for three reasons:

1) I don’t have enough money for that.

2) If I did, I’d be spending it here, or maybe here .

3) Even if I had money and wanted those kinds of clothes, Bluefly was there first, as far as I’m concerned.

Which brings me to my next point, as every time I bother looking at one of these e-mails, I have to wonder if all the recalled lead toys from 2007 are being remade into chew toys for fashion designers. There is, from net-a-porter to TJ Maxx, a willful ignorance of what looks good on a female humanoid body that is positively striking. If I could somehow corner one of the people responsible for recent trends, I’d ask the following, and probably more:

  • I know a few musicians, and I like to goth/rock-chick out once in a while. Even so, I can’t bear the thought of wearing flame-printed footless tights. Who, then, can?
  • True or truer?: Shirts that hang voluminously from an otherwise normal neckline should not be worn by anyone not pregnant.
  • Why do I keep seeing women’s clothes that Luke Skywalker would feel perfectly at home in (tops)? Also, Capt. Jack Sparrow (shorts). Are people supposed to walk around looking like Jedi cabin boys? Can you show me in writing where it says that?
  • Now that the excesses of extreme low-rise pants* are abating, why is it I can buy, without even meaning to, underwear that gives me plumber’s crack?
  • While we’re on the subject, who thought the current incarnation of Victoria’s Secret was a good idea? When I first reached the age of wanting decent lingerie, the place was sort of elegant (in a Victorian brothel kind of way, of course); now my local store has an entire room devoted to pink cotton and kicky prints. If I wanted something to wear to a slumber party, folks, I’d go to K-Mart.

And that, in a nutshell, is one reason I shop at thrift stores: if I don’t like what’s going on now, at least I can shop back in time.

* This is not to disparage low-rise jeans. As a short-waisted person, I love them. But the trend was definitely heading on a trajectory to eventually have a “rise” about an inch and a half above the knee.

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