Inane, Not In Spain, But Hardly Ever Plain

All recent attempts to update here have degenerated into the following tired points:

1) I’m lazy;

2) I suck…

3) ..But my friends and relations suck more, as see these 700 examples;

4) Indeed, I have a cute pet; and,

5) Air conditioning is one of the best inventions of this time or any other.

So instead, I present excerpts from an ongoing mental exercise of mine: fitting the plot of Dracula into the libretto of The Pirates of Penzance.

To the tune of “When Fred’rick Was A Little Lad” [Mina or Jonathan’s employer]
When Jonathan was but a boy
his lessons he was learning
prepared him for a life of law
and all that fat fee-earning…

To the tune of “The Pirate King” [Dracula]
Better by far to never die
under this dragon flag I fly,
than perish sanctimoniously
just to feed the worms of my home country!

If at war a boyar cannot win,
I’ll wait centuries and then try again…

For I am the Vampire King!
And it is a dark and glorious thing to be the vampire king…

Scream out at the vampire king, scream now, it’s the vampire king!

To the tune of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” [Van Helsing]

I am the very model of a nosferatu-slaying man:
My stakes are sharp, my garlic fresh–if one can do it, sure I can!
I’m steeped in folklore–science too!–my genius is uproarious,
And I excel at mutt’ring cryptic warnings to the curious.

More later, if any of us can stand it. (Hint: Seward and Van Helsing make a most ingenious pair of docs!)


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